There’s so much between these words that we are too scared to voice. So we fill the silences with empty laughter. We pretend to care, and then we find ourselves caring too much, so we pretend to not care at all. Because it hurts less. So the cycle continues.

I’m sorry because you fell in love with a girl with ‘I’m sorry’ written all over her. From the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. She has apologies scribbled on her wrist to her collarbones where she mumbles about the nights you have to stay awake, thinking that she’s pushing you away. When in truth, she is not. She’s trying to protect you from the monstrosity that she is.

I’m sorry because there will be days that you can’t make her eat anything. She would shrink into a wilted flower and feel herself tremble with the littlest touch from the wind and in a blink of an eye, she’ll crumble into ashes that speak of her tears on bad nights. And on good days, she’ll say thank you every time you tell her how beautiful she is and that her body is a trinket filled with scars that show how strong she is. But on bad days, she’ll continue to shy away from you. She’ll wrap herself in a cloth of insecurity until her hungered frame can no longer be seen.

I’m sorry because her words are her masks. Everyday, every fucking day, you will find her hidden behind endless phrases and limitless sentences. Her poems will speak to you of how the sunrise has given her a whiff of hope or how the cup of cold coffee on the dining table woke her up with a renewed sense of being. The little snippets of her writings will tell you that she is happy, that she is okay, but when you look into her eyes, you’ll see the unshed tears.

I’m sorry that you fell in love with me.

And I’m sorry because that’s all I can whisper while you encase me in your arms at 4 in the morning, telling me that you love me.

I’m sorry but goddamn it, I love you too.

a love letter to my future lover | mediwriter (via mediwriter)